Maybe it's my crazy travel schedule the last few months, or it's something more physical, but I've been feeling off lately. I fall into these funks sometimes. Usually it's because I'm just exhausted from life and decide to hermitize and crawl into my unsocial bubble for a few weeks, but this one is a little different... I WANT to be social, but I feel like I'm over analyzing my relationships and taking things too personally, feeling that my relationships are slipping. I've noticed I'm pretty needy at times too. That probably comes from my over analyzing nature, but I end up feeling like I'm not included in things anymore, which just perpetuates my need for reassurance and invitations to just hang out. Which then turns into guilt, which then just perpetuates the whole cycle...
I don't know. It's hard to explain. Thankfully I was able to talk to a good friend about it yesterday and that helped. But when I fall into these funks I wonder if this is the beginning of the end... See, my mom is bipolar and it usually runs in families. So there's a chance that I will develop bipolarism someday... and turn into my mom. And that scares the SHIT out of me. So when I fall into these funks, I fear they're just a glimpse of what might be...
Now, I'm pretty sure my funk is just a funk. Everybody has bad days, weeks, months... it's just part of life. And I'm not saying that I've been down for 3 months solid. It comes and goes. But I do notice that certain people in my life make it worse than others. I almost resent those people for not reaching out to me or noticing that we don't hang out or talk as much as we used to (there's that over analysis again...). I know it's irrational, and I shouldn't be so affected by it, but that's how I feel. Maybe it's time I distance myself from those people and focus on the relationships that make me feel like the WANT to spend time with me.
I also think this has at least something to do with my need to feel wanted. Now, I'm usually pretty good with being single. I'm not one of those girls that needs to be in a relationship to feel complete or whatever - I like the freedom. But living in WW is not by any means easy on the love life, and I wonder sometimes whether I will ever find the right guy. I mean, the ex-bf kind of broke me. It took me so long to figure out what I wanted and needed, that I feel like maybe I never knew what I wanted to begin with, and maybe still don't. My friends continue to reassure me that I'm young and have plenty of time, but I feel like the longer I'm in WW, the less time I have...
Anyway, that's what's been going on lately. I've thought a lot about apologizing to those friends that have seen the brunt of my funk (those friends that bring it out the most). It's not their fault and they don't deserve to be blamed for my issues.
Feel free to comment and tell me I'm crazy. ;-)
slr
1 comment:
Oh, honey, you're not crazy. I feel this way, too. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you more lately. You won't turn into your mother because you are very aware of the situation. AND, if you do feel like that is maybe the case, get help sooner rather than later. No shame, take control.
Love is a good thing, so don't be mad at yourself for wanting to find it. It doesn't mean that you aren't "good at being single" or "complete" or anything - just that you want a companion. I think we all do. Keep doing what you love and developing yourself. You'll meet him.
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