Someone else needs to make my decisions, because clearly I make poor choices...

OK, so back in April I was suckered into buying a timeshare-like thing. The deal is you get a certain number of points every other year and you can use them anywhere Hilton has hotels or resorts. At the time, it sounded like a pretty sweet deal! And I kept thinking about all the awesome trips I could take with my friends and it was just soooo appealing and tempting... and the sales people saw what a huge, gullible target I was and, well, here I am now.

However, now that I have it and want to start planning trips, everyone I've talked to about going on a trip can't go! They're all either broke or can't get the time off or are having babies or whatever. Not that I'm not happy for those folks having babies and everything, because I'm waaaay excited for them, but it definitely puts a damper on my travel plans. I probably just need to be a little more patient, but the more I wait and the more I think about it, the more I think I made a mistake in signing up for this thing.

Now, it's technically real estate, so I can sell it back or sell it to someone else, so I guess, when you look at it that way, I can still get out of it. It's not like I signed away my life. But it keeps me up at night thinking about the number of large, financially stupid decisions I've made over the last year... the car, this time-share thing...

*sigh*

I may need to sacrifice on a few ammenities in order to make up for my decisions... you know, like food.

People watching or peeping tom...

OK, so this may be a tad creepy (or maybe not), but I really like to get a glimpse of the lives of people through their windows at night. Now, I'm not sneaking through yards and hiding in bushes to spy on folks - that's called stalking - I just like to see what people are doing as I walk by. It's fascinating to hear what TV show or movie someone is watching, or to see a family sitting around the dinner table.

And, besides, I live in a BEAUTIFUL neighborhood. I tend to stare at the houses I walk by. Many of the houses are some of the oldest and well kept homes in W2. Each house is different with elaborate castle-like towers, Roman pillars on the front porch, and well groomed lawns and gardens and fountains. Some of the yards are like whistful sanctuaries that make you want to just run around in slow motion while cherry blossoms fall around you.




This one's on my route...

   

This house is in Astoria, but you get the tower effect.



 And I swear Bandit intentionally chooses those yards to do his business - if I was a dog, I would too!



emotional rollercoasters suck...

Maybe it's my crazy travel schedule the last few months, or it's something more physical, but I've been feeling off lately.  I fall into these funks sometimes. Usually it's because I'm just exhausted from life and decide to hermitize and crawl into my unsocial bubble for a few weeks, but this one is a little different... I WANT to be social, but I feel like I'm over analyzing my relationships and taking things too personally, feeling that my relationships are slipping. I've noticed I'm pretty needy at times too. That probably comes from my over analyzing nature, but I end up feeling like I'm not included in things anymore, which just perpetuates my need for reassurance and invitations to just hang out. Which then turns into guilt, which then just perpetuates the whole cycle...

I don't know. It's hard to explain. Thankfully I was able to talk to a good friend about it yesterday and that helped. But when I fall into these funks I wonder if this is the beginning of the end... See, my mom is bipolar and it usually runs in families. So there's a chance that I will develop bipolarism someday... and turn into my mom. And that scares the SHIT out of me. So when I fall into these funks, I fear they're just a glimpse of what might be...

Now, I'm pretty sure my funk is just a funk. Everybody has bad days, weeks, months... it's just part of life. And I'm not saying that I've been down for 3 months solid. It comes and goes. But I do notice that certain people in my life make it worse than others. I almost resent those people for not reaching out to me or noticing that we don't hang out or talk as much as we used to (there's that over analysis again...). I know it's irrational, and I shouldn't be so affected by it, but that's how I feel. Maybe it's time I distance myself from those people and focus on the relationships that make me feel like the WANT to spend time with me.

I also think this has at least something to do with my need to feel wanted. Now, I'm usually pretty good with being single. I'm not one of those girls that needs to be in a relationship to feel complete or whatever - I like the freedom. But living in WW is not by any means easy on the love life, and I wonder sometimes whether I will ever find the right guy. I mean, the ex-bf kind of broke me. It took me so long to figure out what I wanted and needed, that I feel like maybe I never knew what I wanted to begin with, and maybe still don't. My friends continue to reassure me that I'm young and have plenty of time, but I feel like the longer I'm in WW, the less time I have...

Anyway, that's what's been going on lately. I've thought a lot about apologizing to those friends that have seen the brunt of my funk (those friends that bring it out the most). It's not their fault and they don't deserve to be blamed for my issues.

Feel free to comment and tell me I'm crazy. ;-)

slr